Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
