I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
