why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
