dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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