Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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