theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
