if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
