Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
