I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
