She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
