Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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