You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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