I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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