Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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