If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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