they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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