I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
