i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
