Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How does one acquire holy water?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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