Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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