I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
