He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
