A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
