Banned from zoo.
Again?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
