Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
