i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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