WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i will never coherently bang her
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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