Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
