Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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