i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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