Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
