I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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