The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
