all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
