i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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