in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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