every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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