All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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