He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
