Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
