the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
