Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
