When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
