Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You left your phone here
Wait...
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