Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
