Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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