It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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