She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
