Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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