i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
