If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize