Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What drink are we having for lunch?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
